Personal

Today I’m talking about a topic I have not shared before. This year I have seen and heard of so many relationships that have been in a bad place, and often times it has been addiction based. As I think about the things I am truly grateful for this week, I realize that by the grace of God, I have survived relationships that were knee deep in addiction. I feel led to share.

Throughout my life I have known many people that at some time or another, realized that they had a ‘not so healthy’ relationship with alcohol or even prescription drugs. What I don’t think people understand is that their problem impacts so many more lives than they could imagine. After a few visits to Al-Anon and private visits to a Therapist or Psychologist, it was repeatedly engrained in me that they can’t help it. They are ill. Addiction is a sickness.

I don’t know, because I have not had to endure an addiction. But what I do know is that the loved ones around the addict suffer greatly. We suffer because we want them to get better. We think we can help. OR, we blame ourselves and think we need to fix them.

I can’t speak about the medical terms or even about the actual addict themselves, but who I can speak to are the people closest to them. After many attempts at rehab and counseling, if someone doesn’t want the help for themselves, they will continue to go back to their ways. And because we want so badly to fix things, we become the enabler. This is an awful place to be because often times we don’t even realize that we are just prolonging a bad situation. And even more often, the addict begins to treat the enabler very badly. Sometimes even in a threatening manner.

After a few years of dealing with an addict that bounced back time and time again, I will never forget the day I sat in the counselors office where she asked ME “how much longer are you going to do this?” ME. As though I was the problem. At first I was angry, but as I sat in silence for a few seconds, the light bulb went on. How much longer was I willing to continue this repetition of hospital visits, rehab, and then allowing it back in to my home? I WAS THE PROBLEM now. I was the enabler!

That was the day my life changed. That was the day I said “no more”. It hurt. It was scary. It seemed impossible. I had debt, a home that was more expensive than I could afford on my own anymore, and step-children I was scared to death to lose, but I knew it was time. It was at that moment that I truly just LET GO and LET GOD take over. I had no idea where I was going to land, but I trusted that as long as I moved in the direction I knew I needed to, that He would provide.

It was a December and I knew that January would be the last mortgage I would be able to pay on my own in that big house. I put my house on the market and began my search for something I could afford. I really wanted to stay close because my son was already going through so much and I didn’t want to pull him from his friends and school. I just kept stepping out in faith y’all. I didn’t know how it was going to all work out, but I stepped out every day in some way. And finally, I didn’t let him come home this time.

Not only did my life start making sense again, but I became stronger for it. And even though I was told that my house would never sell in the month of January, not only did my house sell, but the house I found in a nearby neighborhood had a family looking to find something larger! Their family had grown and they were busting at the seams. My realtor took them to see my house and they fell in love. We literally bought one anothers’ homes. Now if that is not a God thing, I don’t know what is!

We still had some rough patches along the way because it is really hard to say NO to someone that knows how to manipulate and say all of the right things when they are sober, but eventually time began to heal. My son and I got stronger. I remained close with my step-children. We all loved on one another as we went through the next few years.

I say all of this to simply share that at times when you feel like you can’t see the light, just know that He is still there. We just have to take those steps toward Him. Today may look bleak, even dismal, but tomorrow is a new day. One of the things I did was found little things that made my heart lighter. Planned pizza/movie night with my son so that every Friday we had something to look forward to. Began dreaming of a vacation that I would someday like to take. I bought books to read about it even. Just little things to bring a smile and a hope.

So if you are going through a tough time this holiday, I pray you know that the days will be sunny again. Learning that we can absolutely have a peace beyond all understanding again. Let your faith carry you through this hard time and know that He already knows the outcome. And pray. Pray for that loved one that they can break the binds of that addiction. Not to mend what you once had, but that they may be able to find the help they need.

This book also helped me as a daily reading. It truly did. Perhaps it can help you too. The Language of Letting Go by Beattie. Click here for the link.

Love and blessings to you,